As I was playing with my daughter today, I realized growing up is no fun! ;) Okay I already knew that, but I would love for my worst problem to be that I can't have a piece of candy, or that I have to take a nap. I think it was Pastor Mike that once said when he has to take away a piece of candy from their children its the end of the world for them, but for one reason or another its better for them not to have it. God is kinda of that way to us, he takes away our "candy" because its not good for us. Just like we give our children things, he gives us things to. Along the way we throw tantrums like children do. No wonder why God views us as children.
With all that said, I feel blessed to have such a great daughter, who doesn't throw tantrums. Not saying she is perfect. She has pushed and shoved other children, talked back, and whatever else she does. But she all around is a good kid. Thank you Jesus for that!
Monday, January 12, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
i'm still learning
With everything that has happened I'm still sad. I still have dreams of having a baby. I don't think I've actually said those words out loud yet. So maybe typing it will be easier. I really do in my heart of hearts want another baby. Not that I'm not happy with just Riley. Cause I really am. If that is what God wants for me to just have Riley, I'm really okay with that. Last night I had a dream that Michael and I had another baby. It was a great dream. I love dreams like that. I don't think i've ever had a dream other then last time I was pregnant with Riley about having a baby. I was happy in my dream. Lately, its hard to feel happy. With all that said, i have learned a lot with this.
1. I have the best husband in the whole world. He has supported me and loved me and been there for me. I couldn't ask for a better husband. I have learned to respect him more.
2. I have great a daughter. She is so flexible. She really hasn't complained once about being tossed around everywhere.
3. I have some great friends. Especially Pk and Carol, Lisa, and Shanna. They care so much about me. There has been a lot of people who have really shown they care a lot for me. Offering a listening ear, when I needed it most.
4. God working in my life in ways I didn't even know were possible. and strangely threw other peoples lives due to my situations. I wil do anotherblog post on just that later
1. I have the best husband in the whole world. He has supported me and loved me and been there for me. I couldn't ask for a better husband. I have learned to respect him more.
2. I have great a daughter. She is so flexible. She really hasn't complained once about being tossed around everywhere.
3. I have some great friends. Especially Pk and Carol, Lisa, and Shanna. They care so much about me. There has been a lot of people who have really shown they care a lot for me. Offering a listening ear, when I needed it most.
4. God working in my life in ways I didn't even know were possible. and strangely threw other peoples lives due to my situations. I wil do anotherblog post on just that later
Thursday, January 1, 2009
just me...
I have tried to write this blog a million times, and I can never finish it. Each time I erase it, and walk away. I really am upset. I feel like I am in a room with a bunch of people in it screaming, and nobody is noticing. That doesn't mean people haven't shown they care, I just feel that way. I am pissed off. I feel left by God. I feel like he has checked out of my life for a little while.
I really wanted to give God my whole heart. So I did. Or I thought I did. We prayed God I don't want to deal with this anymore, if you want us to have a baby then let us have a baby. If you don't then don't. So when I finally 100% gave it to him, I find out I'm pregnant. What news to me. I was totally fine with having just my little family of michael, riley and I. Then God allows for me to get pregnant. So I am thrilled to join another one in our family. So excited about having another baby, and fully giving my conceivable thoughts and heart to god. The doctor says everything looks wonderful. The baby is doing great, I am doing great, everything is wonderful. Then my world gets thrown upside down.
Monday, I start to bleed. With Riley I had some issues with that, so I didn't think to much of it. But I realised that I felt way to good. Previous days, I had been very sick. Then the bleeding gets a little heavier. Called the doctor and the he said if I gets worse or continues go to the ER. My moms bunny is at my mother in laws house, cause my mom went out of town. My mother in law was going out of town for Monday also, and asked if I could take the bunny to my moms. Well me, being the person I am decided it was a great idea for me to get the bunny back to my mom, because it was something to do, to not think about it. Well I get to my mother in laws house, and sure enough I'm still bleeding. Also my mom and stepdad are there, and my mother in law and her boyfriend come home early. So I have my sister and all these people around me. I just want to crawl into a hole and die, then tell anybody my emotions or what is going on at this moment.
So I get to the ER. Sure enough, I had lost the baby. They don't know why...they just know my hormones are very low.
So now I am left with these feelings. I am angry. I feel left down. Why would God allow me to get pregnant again? Then allow it to be taken away. I know that this is the enemy. I know he wants to attack me. I know he knows this is a great way to hurt me. But why, if god is stronger did he allow this? I know God will use this. But I don't like it. I feel cheated. I feel hurt. Michael was so happy when we found out that I was pregnant. I was happy. For those of you who thought this would be a faith breaker, its not. Its just a faith shaker as mike calls it. It makes me angry at everything. Right now it truly is my head and my heart battling. I haven't touched my bible. I did start to talk to God a little yesterday. It was the first time though in a few days. I'm normally a prayer warrior, so this was new.
We have had some great support. Pastor Mike and Carol took us to lunch the very next day. As much as I was totally not in the mood to be there at that moment it helped to talk out my emotions. My friend Lisa, who just listed to me. And oddly Nick Gray. Who thanked me for being honest on how I felt, and listened to me, and never once said, I know how you feel. Just listened. Its the little things that people do that matter. I have some great friends. I also have to say a thank you to my wonderful husband. He has been there taking care of me, always. Picking up some messy situations, listening to me cry, listening to me talk, and just being there when I need him.
I just was able to drive again today. So as I normally do I put 94.7 on cause its my routine. To have christian music on always helps me. Well I turned it on and honestly the first few songs made me mad. There was a song that said there one day will be no pain, cause basically in the end we will be with Jesus. And I'm excited for that day, but in the time here that doesn't help me. I still hurt, I still cry, I still feel pain, I still feel cheated, and I feel like God is very cruel sometimes.
Well if this wasn't long enough....
I really wanted to give God my whole heart. So I did. Or I thought I did. We prayed God I don't want to deal with this anymore, if you want us to have a baby then let us have a baby. If you don't then don't. So when I finally 100% gave it to him, I find out I'm pregnant. What news to me. I was totally fine with having just my little family of michael, riley and I. Then God allows for me to get pregnant. So I am thrilled to join another one in our family. So excited about having another baby, and fully giving my conceivable thoughts and heart to god. The doctor says everything looks wonderful. The baby is doing great, I am doing great, everything is wonderful. Then my world gets thrown upside down.
Monday, I start to bleed. With Riley I had some issues with that, so I didn't think to much of it. But I realised that I felt way to good. Previous days, I had been very sick. Then the bleeding gets a little heavier. Called the doctor and the he said if I gets worse or continues go to the ER. My moms bunny is at my mother in laws house, cause my mom went out of town. My mother in law was going out of town for Monday also, and asked if I could take the bunny to my moms. Well me, being the person I am decided it was a great idea for me to get the bunny back to my mom, because it was something to do, to not think about it. Well I get to my mother in laws house, and sure enough I'm still bleeding. Also my mom and stepdad are there, and my mother in law and her boyfriend come home early. So I have my sister and all these people around me. I just want to crawl into a hole and die, then tell anybody my emotions or what is going on at this moment.
So I get to the ER. Sure enough, I had lost the baby. They don't know why...they just know my hormones are very low.
So now I am left with these feelings. I am angry. I feel left down. Why would God allow me to get pregnant again? Then allow it to be taken away. I know that this is the enemy. I know he wants to attack me. I know he knows this is a great way to hurt me. But why, if god is stronger did he allow this? I know God will use this. But I don't like it. I feel cheated. I feel hurt. Michael was so happy when we found out that I was pregnant. I was happy. For those of you who thought this would be a faith breaker, its not. Its just a faith shaker as mike calls it. It makes me angry at everything. Right now it truly is my head and my heart battling. I haven't touched my bible. I did start to talk to God a little yesterday. It was the first time though in a few days. I'm normally a prayer warrior, so this was new.
We have had some great support. Pastor Mike and Carol took us to lunch the very next day. As much as I was totally not in the mood to be there at that moment it helped to talk out my emotions. My friend Lisa, who just listed to me. And oddly Nick Gray. Who thanked me for being honest on how I felt, and listened to me, and never once said, I know how you feel. Just listened. Its the little things that people do that matter. I have some great friends. I also have to say a thank you to my wonderful husband. He has been there taking care of me, always. Picking up some messy situations, listening to me cry, listening to me talk, and just being there when I need him.
I just was able to drive again today. So as I normally do I put 94.7 on cause its my routine. To have christian music on always helps me. Well I turned it on and honestly the first few songs made me mad. There was a song that said there one day will be no pain, cause basically in the end we will be with Jesus. And I'm excited for that day, but in the time here that doesn't help me. I still hurt, I still cry, I still feel pain, I still feel cheated, and I feel like God is very cruel sometimes.
Well if this wasn't long enough....
Thursday, December 18, 2008
a change of heart
As far as this Christmas...i have been so cranky about it. It stresses me out every year and every year I have had the wrong attitude. A friend of mine has two kids, and she has no husband, no parents, and no money for Christmas. Even though mine can be a pain in the butt, I still at least have family. I could be like my friend and have nothing. I still complain. It really was a change of heart when I really realized that my friend needs help. She is just a girl trying to survive. Every year I really complain, and I miss the point. I have so much that God has blessed me with. Christmas is not about giving a gift to somebody, its about being with family.
Also I'm not forgetting its Jesus's birthday in a sense. I'm just saying that I've had the traditional grumpy of the holidays, and I have so much so I shouldn't be grumpy. I am very embarrsed to see how I acted the past years. I totally had the wrong idea. This year, my wish is for my friend to have presents for her daugther and son. This year I wish for people to see Jesus's love. This year I change my heart. I am truly sorry for those who I have been such a crab to.
Also I'm not forgetting its Jesus's birthday in a sense. I'm just saying that I've had the traditional grumpy of the holidays, and I have so much so I shouldn't be grumpy. I am very embarrsed to see how I acted the past years. I totally had the wrong idea. This year, my wish is for my friend to have presents for her daugther and son. This year I wish for people to see Jesus's love. This year I change my heart. I am truly sorry for those who I have been such a crab to.
Monday, December 8, 2008
a good evening
Yesterday we had Michael's part time jobs work party. It ended up being a great night. I wasn't very much looking forward to it, because I really don't know anybody. Our pastor and his wife, were there though because Pastor mike works for OEM now to. It was so good to have them there. I really enjoy Carol's company. The more I get to know her the better I like her. She is very down to earth, and pretty much all around awesome. Anyways, Michael won two awards. Every year they give an award in tribute to a guy who worked on the department who passed away. I guess this guy was an awesome guy. Well anyways, they gave it to mike yesterday. His boss said some very wonderful things, about my husband. Everyone of them true. He said he was a very hard worker, always early and working! Just basically an all around great man, and I totally agree. This award is a great honor. It was so cute to see him up there. He also had 545 hours of work which are considered volunteer hours. He gets a gold pin and a letter from the president.
After the party we went to steak and shake..(ha) with PK and Carol. What a great time. I really enjoy them. Mike and I rarely get a night without Riley, and spending it with them was amazing. They really are great people. Overall it was great ordering shakes, and french fries. They treated us to our little snack, and that was a great treat to! I really enjoyed my night, and as much as I get annoyed at mikes oem job, I am very proud of him!
After the party we went to steak and shake..(ha) with PK and Carol. What a great time. I really enjoy them. Mike and I rarely get a night without Riley, and spending it with them was amazing. They really are great people. Overall it was great ordering shakes, and french fries. They treated us to our little snack, and that was a great treat to! I really enjoyed my night, and as much as I get annoyed at mikes oem job, I am very proud of him!
Friday, December 5, 2008
bloggin
Why is it that its easier to write how your feeling in a blog. Why can't you tell your friends how you feel...This is how I feel. I have the hardest time telling how I'm truly feeling. At least about things that matter. I wish I could just go to my friends and say I'm feeling this way, or I'm feeling this way. But no I don't. Instead week after week I write it in my blog. Something that has been bothering me for awhile and I've been ignoring it. I've been ignoring it because i know that it will be tempary. I also have been ignoring it because I know I'm wrong. I don't really want to hear people lecture me either because I know what they are going to say. I go threw this huge breakthrew with God. He really changes a lot of things within me. For months, I don't understand how you can't love god. How you can't not spend time with him on a daily basis. Then all of sudden lately its all become routine again. I really just honestly don't care. It probaly has to do with the fact that I've taken control of my life again, instead of God. With knowing this you would think I would change. But, I just don't care. I go to church because I have to. I read my bible because I have to. I pray because I have to. Now oddviosly I don't have to, but I know that I will kick myself if I don't. Plus its what i do. I pray. I haven't had a good devotional since well early november. Now I realise it early december, but I am a prayer warrior. I love to pray, i love to worship god. Why though do i not care now? I really want to care...that seems to be the key term lately, that people have been telling me. I just don't care. I do care. I care a lot. I just care either differntly, or i'm just having a hard time caring right now. That doesn't mean that your not on my mind. Well ask me about what I'm talking about if you care, and I will explain, cause i'm not making any sense on here!
christmas
I was reading a friend of mines blog and it reminded me just how much I hate christmas. I truly do....If you have ever had a conversation with me you know I hate christmas. I hate having to go to all of my parents houses, and every year one set of parents gets pissed at me. Everything is about buying gifts and showing up somewhere. I hate it. Having seriously 14 christmas parties, I am obligated to go to sucks. As it is, I have a very busy schedule, how am I suppose to fill in all these additional things. I have a very bad attitude as it comes to christmas. I just wish for one year, I could not think about what I have to do or where I need to be.
Christmas is about Jesus. I always forget this every year. In between the anger and the frustration, and the drinking, and the parties, and the gifts, i always forget. I'm not saying this is an excuse, its just the truth.
I already have a few friends upset with me, because I simply am not available. I really want to be av liable. I just can't be. Stupid Christmas. I'm thinking though..maybe it would be better, if I was just away, things would be better. So to conclude I'm simply just hate christmas!
Christmas is about Jesus. I always forget this every year. In between the anger and the frustration, and the drinking, and the parties, and the gifts, i always forget. I'm not saying this is an excuse, its just the truth.
I already have a few friends upset with me, because I simply am not available. I really want to be av liable. I just can't be. Stupid Christmas. I'm thinking though..maybe it would be better, if I was just away, things would be better. So to conclude I'm simply just hate christmas!
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