struggling

So you can judge me all you want on this post..At this point I don't care. I'm really going through a hard time right now. I feel like my world is caving in front of me. I'm really trying with everything inside of me, to trust god. I know God is what I need to rely on. So this is what I do. But in the mean time, I can't breathe. I can't think. I can't feel. After Mike lost his job, I thought okay we can handle this. God will make another job happen. I can't help but think though, the thousands of people who don't have jobs. God has them in his hands...so what makes me think that Michael will get another job. This makes me want to vomit. I rely on God, and he shows me he is caring for me. He gets Riley's school 100% tuitioned. We pay 210 a month for her school, and how awesome that Riley gets to keep on going to her school! So I know God is taking care of us. I still fear though. Am I wrong to fear? I am really freaking out about this. How can we pay rent? How can we continue on? I know that in the end it will work out! It always does. I have to be in today, and trust him today.
So then Mike runs threw a puddle. Not just a puddle a huge huge puddle...Which then we find out the car is going to be totaled out. So now we have no car for Mike, and no job for him. Okay God I understand. But this isn't easy. This is very hard. This has shown me a side of Mike that I am not very fond of. It reminds me of my dad, from the past and I don't like that. I love Michael dearly, but when he acts like that I can only think what is going on....my past revisiting? The old mike is back? What happened to the Mike that treats me with respect, and doesn't swear at me, and scream at me? Oh wait, he is gone with the job and car. I just want my life back. I want my husband who loves and trusts god. I want the fear of the unknown gone. I want his car back. I want to be able to not have this fear. What do I do to get rid of it?
I know I am being selfish. At this point I don't care. I always think about everybody else. I normally hurt for everybody else. Right now I'm going to be self centered and hurt for me and hurt for my very hurting husband. Instead of talking out his feelings, he would rather scream it at me, and blame me. I feel sorry for him to. I'm actually going to face my actual feelings for once, because I know that this is healthy. Writing really helps me, so if you read this, please don't judge me. Please don't think I'm being stupid. Its just how I feel. I feel abandoned. I feel fear. I feel sad. I feel like my past is here again. I feel like the marriage I worked so hard at and prayed so hard for, is weakened.
Maybe this is what both the enemy and God want. Maybe the enemy wants me to feel abanded. Maybe God wants me to only rely on him. Maybe for differnt reasons they want me to be desperate. To be vunerable. I feel like after losing the baby my world was over. This is almost worse. I'm telling you when it rains it poors.
So i know that things are not 100% bad. I do have a lot of things just for being in America. I can rely and trust that God is going to take care of me. I trust him. I do. So here I am giving it to god. God you can have it. God you can have my feelings, you can have my anger, my fear of abandonment, my desperation for things to be "normal" I want to be "real." I want you to have my pain. I can't do anything about this, so I might as well have you lord deal with this.