Chris Rice song "come to Jesus"

During my quiet time, I was listening to this song by Chris Rice called come to Jesus. Whether or not you like Hymn's or not, this song touches me heart. It gets to the heart of it, come to Jesus. Come to jesus always. Go to him in if your a sinner, when your happy, when your sad, when your mad, when your dying, etc. I tend to go to his arms when I am going through something. Not the real hard stuff ju

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st when things arent going the way "i wanted them to be." But when things are great, I don't go to Jesus often about my day. Listen to this song...Its great.

Chris Rice - Untitled Hymn (Come To Jesus) Lyrics

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!

better

As you can see in my last post i was pretty upset. Of course god helped me with all this. I just needed time to breath. Its great that I have a god that lets me vent. That lets me be pissed off. That is sad when I am sad. We have learned a lot through all this. God always prevails, and loves me always. There is no person who is perfect. No situation is ever perfect. God is perfect. God is a healer. And that is why I love god. Well one of the many reasons. I am thankful for my husband, and how he always comes around to!

struggling

So you can judge me all you want on this post..At this point I don't care. I'm really going through a hard time right now. I feel like my world is caving in front of me. I'm really trying with everything inside of me, to trust god. I know God is what I need to rely on. So this is what I do. But in the mean time, I can't breathe. I can't think. I can't feel. After Mike lost his job, I thought okay we can handle this. God will make another job happen. I can't help but think though, the thousands of people who don't have jobs. God has them in his hands...so what makes me think that Michael will get another job. This makes me want to vomit. I rely on God, and he shows me he is caring for me. He gets Riley's school 100% tuitioned. We pay 210 a month for her school, and how awesome that Riley gets to keep on going to her school! So I know God is taking care of us. I still fear though. Am I wrong to fear? I am really freaking out about this. How can we pay rent? How can we continue on? I know that in the end it will work out! It always does. I have to be in today, and trust him today.
So then Mike runs threw a puddle. Not just a puddle a huge huge puddle...Which then we find out the car is going to be totaled out. So now we have no car for Mike, and no job for him. Okay God I understand. But this isn't easy. This is very hard. This has shown me a side of Mike that I am not very fond of. It reminds me of my dad, from the past and I don't like that. I love Michael dearly, but when he acts like that I can only think what is going on....my past revisiting? The old mike is back? What happened to the Mike that treats me with respect, and doesn't swear at me, and scream at me? Oh wait, he is gone with the job and car. I just want my life back. I want my husband who loves and trusts god. I want the fear of the unknown gone. I want his car back. I want to be able to not have this fear. What do I do to get rid of it?
I know I am being selfish. At this point I don't care. I always think about everybody else. I normally hurt for everybody else. Right now I'm going to be self centered and hurt for me and hurt for my very hurting husband. Instead of talking out his feelings, he would rather scream it at me, and blame me. I feel sorry for him to. I'm actually going to face my actual feelings for once, because I know that this is healthy. Writing really helps me, so if you read this, please don't judge me. Please don't think I'm being stupid. Its just how I feel. I feel abandoned. I feel fear. I feel sad. I feel like my past is here again. I feel like the marriage I worked so hard at and prayed so hard for, is weakened.
Maybe this is what both the enemy and God want. Maybe the enemy wants me to feel abanded. Maybe God wants me to only rely on him. Maybe for differnt reasons they want me to be desperate. To be vunerable. I feel like after losing the baby my world was over. This is almost worse. I'm telling you when it rains it poors.
So i know that things are not 100% bad. I do have a lot of things just for being in America. I can rely and trust that God is going to take care of me. I trust him. I do. So here I am giving it to god. God you can have it. God you can have my feelings, you can have my anger, my fear of abandonment, my desperation for things to be "normal" I want to be "real." I want you to have my pain. I can't do anything about this, so I might as well have you lord deal with this.

growing up

As I was playing with my daughter today, I realized growing up is no fun! ;) Okay I already knew that, but I would love for my worst problem to be that I can't have a piece of candy, or that I have to take a nap. I think it was Pastor Mike that once said when he has to take away a piece of candy from their children its the end of the world for them, but for one reason or another its better for them not to have it. God is kinda of that way to us, he takes away our "candy" because its not good for us. Just like we give our children things, he gives us things to. Along the way we throw tantrums like children do. No wonder why God views us as children.

With all that said, I feel blessed to have such a great daughter, who doesn't throw tantrums. Not saying she is perfect. She has pushed and shoved other children, talked back, and whatever else she does. But she all around is a good kid. Thank you Jesus for that!

i'm still learning

With everything that has happened I'm still sad. I still have dreams of having a baby. I don't think I've actually said those words out loud yet. So maybe typing it will be easier. I really do in my heart of hearts want another baby. Not that I'm not happy with just Riley. Cause I really am. If that is what God wants for me to just have Riley, I'm really okay with that. Last night I had a dream that Michael and I had another baby. It was a great dream. I love dreams like that. I don't think i've ever had a dream other then last time I was pregnant with Riley about having a baby. I was happy in my dream. Lately, its hard to feel happy. With all that said, i have learned a lot with this.
1. I have the best husband in the whole world. He has supported me and loved me and been there for me. I couldn't ask for a better husband. I have learned to respect him more.
2. I have great a daughter. She is so flexible. She really hasn't complained once about being tossed around everywhere.
3. I have some great friends. Especially Pk and Carol, Lisa, and Shanna. They care so much about me. There has been a lot of people who have really shown they care a lot for me. Offering a listening ear, when I needed it most.
4. God working in my life in ways I didn't even know were possible. and strangely threw other peoples lives due to my situations. I wil do anotherblog post on just that later

just me...

I have tried to write this blog a million times, and I can never finish it. Each time I erase it, and walk away. I really am upset. I feel like I am in a room with a bunch of people in it screaming, and nobody is noticing. That doesn't mean people haven't shown they care, I just feel that way. I am pissed off. I feel left by God. I feel like he has checked out of my life for a little while.
I really wanted to give God my whole heart. So I did. Or I thought I did. We prayed God I don't want to deal with this anymore, if you want us to have a baby then let us have a baby. If you don't then don't. So when I finally 100% gave it to him, I find out I'm pregnant. What news to me. I was totally fine with having just my little family of michael, riley and I. Then God allows for me to get pregnant. So I am thrilled to join another one in our family. So excited about having another baby, and fully giving my conceivable thoughts and heart to god. The doctor says everything looks wonderful. The baby is doing great, I am doing great, everything is wonderful. Then my world gets thrown upside down.
Monday, I start to bleed. With Riley I had some issues with that, so I didn't think to much of it. But I realised that I felt way to good. Previous days, I had been very sick. Then the bleeding gets a little heavier. Called the doctor and the he said if I gets worse or continues go to the ER. My moms bunny is at my mother in laws house, cause my mom went out of town. My mother in law was going out of town for Monday also, and asked if I could take the bunny to my moms. Well me, being the person I am decided it was a great idea for me to get the bunny back to my mom, because it was something to do, to not think about it. Well I get to my mother in laws house, and sure enough I'm still bleeding. Also my mom and stepdad are there, and my mother in law and her boyfriend come home early. So I have my sister and all these people around me. I just want to crawl into a hole and die, then tell anybody my emotions or what is going on at this moment.
So I get to the ER. Sure enough, I had lost the baby. They don't know why...they just know my hormones are very low.
So now I am left with these feelings. I am angry. I feel left down. Why would God allow me to get pregnant again? Then allow it to be taken away. I know that this is the enemy. I know he wants to attack me. I know he knows this is a great way to hurt me. But why, if god is stronger did he allow this? I know God will use this. But I don't like it. I feel cheated. I feel hurt. Michael was so happy when we found out that I was pregnant. I was happy. For those of you who thought this would be a faith breaker, its not. Its just a faith shaker as mike calls it. It makes me angry at everything. Right now it truly is my head and my heart battling. I haven't touched my bible. I did start to talk to God a little yesterday. It was the first time though in a few days. I'm normally a prayer warrior, so this was new.
We have had some great support. Pastor Mike and Carol took us to lunch the very next day. As much as I was totally not in the mood to be there at that moment it helped to talk out my emotions. My friend Lisa, who just listed to me. And oddly Nick Gray. Who thanked me for being honest on how I felt, and listened to me, and never once said, I know how you feel. Just listened. Its the little things that people do that matter. I have some great friends. I also have to say a thank you to my wonderful husband. He has been there taking care of me, always. Picking up some messy situations, listening to me cry, listening to me talk, and just being there when I need him.
I just was able to drive again today. So as I normally do I put 94.7 on cause its my routine. To have christian music on always helps me. Well I turned it on and honestly the first few songs made me mad. There was a song that said there one day will be no pain, cause basically in the end we will be with Jesus. And I'm excited for that day, but in the time here that doesn't help me. I still hurt, I still cry, I still feel pain, I still feel cheated, and I feel like God is very cruel sometimes.

Well if this wasn't long enough....

a change of heart

As far as this Christmas...i have been so cranky about it. It stresses me out every year and every year I have had the wrong attitude. A friend of mine has two kids, and she has no husband, no parents, and no money for Christmas. Even though mine can be a pain in the butt, I still at least have family. I could be like my friend and have nothing. I still complain. It really was a change of heart when I really realized that my friend needs help. She is just a girl trying to survive. Every year I really complain, and I miss the point. I have so much that God has blessed me with. Christmas is not about giving a gift to somebody, its about being with family.
Also I'm not forgetting its Jesus's birthday in a sense. I'm just saying that I've had the traditional grumpy of the holidays, and I have so much so I shouldn't be grumpy. I am very embarrsed to see how I acted the past years. I totally had the wrong idea. This year, my wish is for my friend to have presents for her daugther and son. This year I wish for people to see Jesus's love. This year I change my heart. I am truly sorry for those who I have been such a crab to.