MY WORLD.....

Chris Rice song "come to Jesus"

2009-03-09T10:13:00.001-07:00

During my quiet time, I was listening to this song by Chris Rice called come to Jesus. Whether or not you like Hymn's or not, this song touches me heart. It gets to the heart of it, come to Jesus. Come to jesus always. Go to him in if your a sinner, when your happy, when your sad, when your mad, when your dying, etc. I tend to go to his arms when I am going through something. Not the real hard stuff ju

Publish Post

st when things arent going the way "i wanted them to be." But when things are great, I don't go to Jesus often about my day. Listen to this song...Its great.

Chris Rice - Untitled Hymn (Come To Jesus) Lyrics

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!

better

2009-03-04T22:31:00.000-08:00

As you can see in my last post i was pretty upset. Of course god helped me with all this. I just needed time to breath. Its great that I have a god that lets me vent. That lets me be pissed off. That is sad when I am sad. We have learned a lot through all this. God always prevails, and loves me always. There is no person who is perfect. No situation is ever perfect. God is perfect. God is a healer. And that is why I love god. Well one of the many reasons. I am thankful for my husband, and how he always comes around to!

struggling

2009-02-27T22:47:00.000-08:00

So you can judge me all you want on this post..At this point I don't care. I'm really going through a hard time right now. I feel like my world is caving in front of me. I'm really trying with everything inside of me, to trust god. I know God is what I need to rely on. So this is what I do. But in the mean time, I can't breathe. I can't think. I can't feel. After Mike lost his job, I thought okay we can handle this. God will make another job happen. I can't help but think though, the thousands of people who don't have jobs. God has them in his hands...so what makes me think that Michael will get another job. This makes me want to vomit. I rely on God, and he shows me he is caring for me. He gets Riley's school 100% tuitioned. We pay 210 a month for her school, and how awesome that Riley gets to keep on going to her school! So I know God is taking care of us. I still fear though. Am I wrong to fear? I am really freaking out about this. How can we pay rent? How can we continue on? I know that in the end it will work out! It always does. I have to be in today, and trust him today.
So then Mike runs threw a puddle. Not just a puddle a huge huge puddle...Which then we find out the car is going to be totaled out. So now we have no car for Mike, and no job for him. Okay God I understand. But this isn't easy. This is very hard. This has shown me a side of Mike that I am not very fond of. It reminds me of my dad, from the past and I don't like that. I love Michael dearly, but when he acts like that I can only think what is going on....my past revisiting? The old mike is back? What happened to the Mike that treats me with respect, and doesn't swear at me, and scream at me? Oh wait, he is gone with the job and car. I just want my life back. I want my husband who loves and trusts god. I want the fear of the unknown gone. I want his car back. I want to be able to not have this fear. What do I do to get rid of it?
I know I am being selfish. At this point I don't care. I always think about everybody else. I normally hurt for everybody else. Right now I'm going to be self centered and hurt for me and hurt for my very hurting husband. Instead of talking out his feelings, he would rather scream it at me, and blame me. I feel sorry for him to. I'm actually going to face my actual feelings for once, because I know that this is healthy. Writing really helps me, so if you read this, please don't judge me. Please don't think I'm being stupid. Its just how I feel. I feel abandoned. I feel fear. I feel sad. I feel like my past is here again. I feel like the marriage I worked so hard at and prayed so hard for, is weakened.
Maybe this is what both the enemy and God want. Maybe the enemy wants me to feel abanded. Maybe God wants me to only rely on him. Maybe for differnt reasons they want me to be desperate. To be vunerable. I feel like after losing the baby my world was over. This is almost worse. I'm telling you when it rains it poors.
So i know that things are not 100% bad. I do have a lot of things just for being in America. I can rely and trust that God is going to take care of me. I trust him. I do. So here I am giving it to god. God you can have it. God you can have my feelings, you can have my anger, my fear of abandonment, my desperation for things to be "normal" I want to be "real." I want you to have my pain. I can't do anything about this, so I might as well have you lord deal with this.

growing up

2009-01-12T09:45:00.000-08:00

As I was playing with my daughter today, I realized growing up is no fun! ;) Okay I already knew that, but I would love for my worst problem to be that I can't have a piece of candy, or that I have to take a nap. I think it was Pastor Mike that once said when he has to take away a piece of candy from their children its the end of the world for them, but for one reason or another its better for them not to have it. God is kinda of that way to us, he takes away our "candy" because its not good for us. Just like we give our children things, he gives us things to. Along the way we throw tantrums like children do. No wonder why God views us as children.

With all that said, I feel blessed to have such a great daughter, who doesn't throw tantrums. Not saying she is perfect. She has pushed and shoved other children, talked back, and whatever else she does. But she all around is a good kid. Thank you Jesus for that!

i'm still learning

2009-01-11T10:35:00.000-08:00

With everything that has happened I'm still sad. I still have dreams of having a baby. I don't think I've actually said those words out loud yet. So maybe typing it will be easier. I really do in my heart of hearts want another baby. Not that I'm not happy with just Riley. Cause I really am. If that is what God wants for me to just have Riley, I'm really okay with that. Last night I had a dream that Michael and I had another baby. It was a great dream. I love dreams like that. I don't think i've ever had a dream other then last time I was pregnant with Riley about having a baby. I was happy in my dream. Lately, its hard to feel happy. With all that said, i have learned a lot with this.
1. I have the best husband in the whole world. He has supported me and loved me and been there for me. I couldn't ask for a better husband. I have learned to respect him more.
2. I have great a daughter. She is so flexible. She really hasn't complained once about being tossed around everywhere.
3. I have some great friends. Especially Pk and Carol, Lisa, and Shanna. They care so much about me. There has been a lot of people who have really shown they care a lot for me. Offering a listening ear, when I needed it most.
4. God working in my life in ways I didn't even know were possible. and strangely threw other peoples lives due to my situations. I wil do anotherblog post on just that later

just me...

2009-01-01T21:38:00.000-08:00

I have tried to write this blog a million times, and I can never finish it. Each time I erase it, and walk away. I really am upset. I feel like I am in a room with a bunch of people in it screaming, and nobody is noticing. That doesn't mean people haven't shown they care, I just feel that way. I am pissed off. I feel left by God. I feel like he has checked out of my life for a little while.
I really wanted to give God my whole heart. So I did. Or I thought I did. We prayed God I don't want to deal with this anymore, if you want us to have a baby then let us have a baby. If you don't then don't. So when I finally 100% gave it to him, I find out I'm pregnant. What news to me. I was totally fine with having just my little family of michael, riley and I. Then God allows for me to get pregnant. So I am thrilled to join another one in our family. So excited about having another baby, and fully giving my conceivable thoughts and heart to god. The doctor says everything looks wonderful. The baby is doing great, I am doing great, everything is wonderful. Then my world gets thrown upside down.
Monday, I start to bleed. With Riley I had some issues with that, so I didn't think to much of it. But I realised that I felt way to good. Previous days, I had been very sick. Then the bleeding gets a little heavier. Called the doctor and the he said if I gets worse or continues go to the ER. My moms bunny is at my mother in laws house, cause my mom went out of town. My mother in law was going out of town for Monday also, and asked if I could take the bunny to my moms. Well me, being the person I am decided it was a great idea for me to get the bunny back to my mom, because it was something to do, to not think about it. Well I get to my mother in laws house, and sure enough I'm still bleeding. Also my mom and stepdad are there, and my mother in law and her boyfriend come home early. So I have my sister and all these people around me. I just want to crawl into a hole and die, then tell anybody my emotions or what is going on at this moment.
So I get to the ER. Sure enough, I had lost the baby. They don't know why...they just know my hormones are very low.
So now I am left with these feelings. I am angry. I feel left down. Why would God allow me to get pregnant again? Then allow it to be taken away. I know that this is the enemy. I know he wants to attack me. I know he knows this is a great way to hurt me. But why, if god is stronger did he allow this? I know God will use this. But I don't like it. I feel cheated. I feel hurt. Michael was so happy when we found out that I was pregnant. I was happy. For those of you who thought this would be a faith breaker, its not. Its just a faith shaker as mike calls it. It makes me angry at everything. Right now it truly is my head and my heart battling. I haven't touched my bible. I did start to talk to God a little yesterday. It was the first time though in a few days. I'm normally a prayer warrior, so this was new.
We have had some great support. Pastor Mike and Carol took us to lunch the very next day. As much as I was totally not in the mood to be there at that moment it helped to talk out my emotions. My friend Lisa, who just listed to me. And oddly Nick Gray. Who thanked me for being honest on how I felt, and listened to me, and never once said, I know how you feel. Just listened. Its the little things that people do that matter. I have some great friends. I also have to say a thank you to my wonderful husband. He has been there taking care of me, always. Picking up some messy situations, listening to me cry, listening to me talk, and just being there when I need him.
I just was able to drive again today. So as I normally do I put 94.7 on cause its my routine. To have christian music on always helps me. Well I turned it on and honestly the first few songs made me mad. There was a song that said there one day will be no pain, cause basically in the end we will be with Jesus. And I'm excited for that day, but in the time here that doesn't help me. I still hurt, I still cry, I still feel pain, I still feel cheated, and I feel like God is very cruel sometimes.

Well if this wasn't long enough....

a change of heart

2008-12-18T08:05:00.001-08:00

As far as this Christmas...i have been so cranky about it. It stresses me out every year and every year I have had the wrong attitude. A friend of mine has two kids, and she has no husband, no parents, and no money for Christmas. Even though mine can be a pain in the butt, I still at least have family. I could be like my friend and have nothing. I still complain. It really was a change of heart when I really realized that my friend needs help. She is just a girl trying to survive. Every year I really complain, and I miss the point. I have so much that God has blessed me with. Christmas is not about giving a gift to somebody, its about being with family.
Also I'm not forgetting its Jesus's birthday in a sense. I'm just saying that I've had the traditional grumpy of the holidays, and I have so much so I shouldn't be grumpy. I am very embarrsed to see how I acted the past years. I totally had the wrong idea. This year, my wish is for my friend to have presents for her daugther and son. This year I wish for people to see Jesus's love. This year I change my heart. I am truly sorry for those who I have been such a crab to.

a good evening

2008-12-08T08:33:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we had Michael's part time jobs work party. It ended up being a great night. I wasn't very much looking forward to it, because I really don't know anybody. Our pastor and his wife, were there though because Pastor mike works for OEM now to. It was so good to have them there. I really enjoy Carol's company. The more I get to know her the better I like her. She is very down to earth, and pretty much all around awesome. Anyways, Michael won two awards. Every year they give an award in tribute to a guy who worked on the department who passed away. I guess this guy was an awesome guy. Well anyways, they gave it to mike yesterday. His boss said some very wonderful things, about my husband. Everyone of them true. He said he was a very hard worker, always early and working! Just basically an all around great man, and I totally agree. This award is a great honor. It was so cute to see him up there. He also had 545 hours of work which are considered volunteer hours. He gets a gold pin and a letter from the president.
After the party we went to steak and shake..(ha) with PK and Carol. What a great time. I really enjoy them. Mike and I rarely get a night without Riley, and spending it with them was amazing. They really are great people. Overall it was great ordering shakes, and french fries. They treated us to our little snack, and that was a great treat to! I really enjoyed my night, and as much as I get annoyed at mikes oem job, I am very proud of him!

bloggin

2008-12-05T22:59:00.000-08:00

Why is it that its easier to write how your feeling in a blog. Why can't you tell your friends how you feel...This is how I feel. I have the hardest time telling how I'm truly feeling. At least about things that matter. I wish I could just go to my friends and say I'm feeling this way, or I'm feeling this way. But no I don't. Instead week after week I write it in my blog. Something that has been bothering me for awhile and I've been ignoring it. I've been ignoring it because i know that it will be tempary. I also have been ignoring it because I know I'm wrong. I don't really want to hear people lecture me either because I know what they are going to say. I go threw this huge breakthrew with God. He really changes a lot of things within me. For months, I don't understand how you can't love god. How you can't not spend time with him on a daily basis. Then all of sudden lately its all become routine again. I really just honestly don't care. It probaly has to do with the fact that I've taken control of my life again, instead of God. With knowing this you would think I would change. But, I just don't care. I go to church because I have to. I read my bible because I have to. I pray because I have to. Now oddviosly I don't have to, but I know that I will kick myself if I don't. Plus its what i do. I pray. I haven't had a good devotional since well early november. Now I realise it early december, but I am a prayer warrior. I love to pray, i love to worship god. Why though do i not care now? I really want to care...that seems to be the key term lately, that people have been telling me. I just don't care. I do care. I care a lot. I just care either differntly, or i'm just having a hard time caring right now. That doesn't mean that your not on my mind. Well ask me about what I'm talking about if you care, and I will explain, cause i'm not making any sense on here!

christmas

2008-12-05T22:49:00.000-08:00

I was reading a friend of mines blog and it reminded me just how much I hate christmas. I truly do....If you have ever had a conversation with me you know I hate christmas. I hate having to go to all of my parents houses, and every year one set of parents gets pissed at me. Everything is about buying gifts and showing up somewhere. I hate it. Having seriously 14 christmas parties, I am obligated to go to sucks. As it is, I have a very busy schedule, how am I suppose to fill in all these additional things. I have a very bad attitude as it comes to christmas. I just wish for one year, I could not think about what I have to do or where I need to be.
Christmas is about Jesus. I always forget this every year. In between the anger and the frustration, and the drinking, and the parties, and the gifts, i always forget. I'm not saying this is an excuse, its just the truth.

I already have a few friends upset with me, because I simply am not available. I really want to be av liable. I just can't be. Stupid Christmas. I'm thinking though..maybe it would be better, if I was just away, things would be better. So to conclude I'm simply just hate christmas!

christmas time

2008-11-28T20:53:00.000-08:00

We put up our christmas tree today! I love putting up the christmas tree. There are no expectations on how to do it. All you have to do is do it. Riley loved it also! She is getting so big. I love the family time, just putting up the tree. Our cat was so confused! She still doesn't know what to do with the tree.

Actually played football this year. It was fun! I am for sure sore though! I was glad there was the girl rule, cause I think I would of never gotten the ball then! :) Then we went to my moms house. It was a really great time. It was good to see my sister and her boyfriend. Lindsey is really growing up. Its good to see her happy!

i hope to listen...no wait i will listen

2008-11-12T21:54:00.000-08:00

I always find it interesting god puts something on your heart and mind, and then usually that something happens. God proves himself right again. God has been putting something on my heart, if u look at my previous post, u might be able to figure it out. And then I get challenged in that area. Man, God knows what he is doing. I know i need to listen and obey. Its just easier to live in the flesh, at least temporarily.

scary shows

2008-11-09T22:28:00.000-08:00

I hate intense scary movies. I mean i don't like the scary movies either, but those thrillers and stuff oh man. I just watched a movie, and I'm still not right. I wonder then what its doing for me...Nothing positive that's for sure. I already fear everything, including night, so those movies are not good for me. I don't what it is though, I still watch them. Stupid me. I wonder what Jesus is saying about me watching these movies? It can't be good. I don't see him being like fear is great, go for it...I don't see that in the bible. Not that I'm saying scary movies are bad, I'm saying it might be for each individual person.
I fear so many things. Like I said before, mostly nighttime stuff. I fear being alone at night. I don't fear being alone during the day. I fear somebody is going to attack me. I fear somebody is in my car. Thats stupid. Nobody is in my stinking car. Yet, I feel like there is.

Amazing song...

2008-11-07T12:40:00.000-08:00

This song is awesome. I really enjoy the band called Casting Crowns. They wrote this song and I wanted to share the lyrics with you....

"Slow Fade"

Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see

learning

2008-11-07T09:48:00.000-08:00

My pastor send me this article..I don't have the url so I have to put in my blog but it just really made me think. God is doing so much in my life! He is stretching me in ways that I didn't even know I could be streched! I just have a differnt insight on how Jesus loves me and works in my life. Anyways read this article.

LESSON 4: The Prophetic Mandate
Colette Toach
In our Practical Prophetic Ministry at GMR-ITC course we teach our students how to hear the voice of the Lord and also how to begin walking out their prophetic calling.Yet greater than all of these lessons is teaching them their primary mandate as a prophet! I would like to share one of the portions of the lesson that we give our students, so that you can begin to get a much clearer picture of what a prophet is called to do in the church.
If you are prophetic then we pray that it motivates you to step out and fulfill the mandate that has been given to you by Jesus Christ!
Study Notes: The Prophetic Mandate
Lesson 8 Practical Prophetic Ministry
Class Lecturer: Colette Toach
The Lord has given us a very special mandate as prophets. Now it does not mean that just because you are a prophet in training that you cannot begin immediately to fulfill that mandate.
What is that mandate you may ask? It is simple:
To present to a Bride to Jesus that hears the voice of her Groom!
Do you know what the number one function is of the prophet in the local church? No, it is not to prophesy and tell everyone what their future holds. No, it is not to point out the sin and the wrong doings of the pastor. And no, it is not to lead the intercessors team.
Now all of these things can also be a part of a prophet’s function in the Church, but it is not the MAIN function. Your main function in the local church is to teach the people of God how to hear the voice of the Lord!
I invite you to imagine with me for a moment. Imagine for a moment that every single believer can hear the voice of Jesus for themselves. Imagine for a moment that everyone has an intimate relationship with the Lord. Imagine for a moment that you bring a prophetic word and that prophesy is confirmed by all the church and the pastor, because they all heard the Lord on it also?
Can you begin to see in those pictures a perfect bride rising up without any spot and wrinkle? Now in the course we are teaching you how to hear the Lord for yourself and how to enter into that love relationship with Jesus, but it does not end here. You have a very important job to do! Are you seeking God for the New Move? Are you seeking God to move in your church and ministry? Then you need to start with your primary mandate as one in prophetic ministry: You need to introduce the Bride to the Groom!
You need to let the Bride know of the Groom's affections. You need to describe to them what the groom is like until they know Him. You need to teach them how to hear His voice until they fall in love with them. Are you doing this? If you do not prophesy and you do not lead the intercessors group and you do not stand up and share visions, that is fine. But are you sharing the heart of the Christ with His Bride?
Are you a living example of that relationship? The church has been whipped enough by prophets of judgment and condemnation to the point that they fear to enter into the throne room of God, just in case He gives them the same harsh words. Jesus has sent you and me into the church to heal her, to give her good news. To let her know that Jesus loves her. THIS is the main function of the prophet.
Now you might give that message through prophesy or the sharing of visions or through prophetic song. But as you should know by now, the gifts are a means to the end. The gifts are simply the vehicle that you use to carry out your real function. So how about it? Are you ready to face this challenge? Are you ready to give out all that you have to others? It will mean entering into that secret place for yourself and then it will mean letting others flow like you flow.
It will mean that you will outdo yourself out of a job! Because that is the point – to teach others to do what you do. Your church should come to the place where they do not need you anymore. Only when that comes to pass, will you know that your job there is done and that you have truly represented to Jesus a Bride that loves and adores Him. A Bride that can hear the voice of her Groom.

WOOOTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!b

2008-11-04T22:50:00.000-08:00

Obama wins! Yippy skipiee! I am so excited! So excited to see what Biden and Obama are going to do with our country. I am so excited, who I voted for is president. Our country is up for some change and Goodluck to the new democrats in office..whoot! Did you all hear his speech? It made me tear up! All things are possible...if you dream it, it can happen!

my hair...he he

2008-11-04T07:36:00.000-08:00

I had my hair cut almost 8 inches yesterday, well in some parts at least! To me its really really short. It still goes at some points to my shoulders. It feels so weird! It looks a lot more healthier though! My stupid husband didn't realize I did this! Cut almost 8 in off and he doesn't even notice! Oh well..... :)

friends

2008-11-02T21:46:00.000-08:00

It's always nice to have a good group of friends just to laugh! We had college group tonight, and I was a little bummed walking in, and then they just all made me laugh. I haven't laughed that hard in awhile! Crack me up! I really couldn't ask for a better pastor/and wife! They are so God sent!

remembering

2008-10-30T21:04:00.000-07:00

Tonight I remember Don for everything that he did that was positive. He was a strong believer in christ. He loved the lord and wanted everybody to know about it. Wanted everyone to know who god was, and he rejoiced i'm sure seeing everyone he loved in one room tonight. It made me sad, because the 50 or so people in the room all cared for Don adn he didn't realise it here on earth! Which got me thinking...

I have a lot of people who care for me. I struggle with this all the time. Its something that the enemy lies to me about all the time! I believe him time and time again, that people don't like me, or love me! Its so stupid. I do have a lot of people who love me..and care for me and except me. Stupid for me to post this and make it about me, but I'm learning like crazy right now...God has me in a season of learning. Which I suppose is good..

school and all...

2008-10-28T20:59:00.000-07:00

I learned something today...ha! I learned that efficient and effective are not the same words. Don't judge if u already knew that. Efficient is using resources wisely and in a cost effective way, and effective is making the right decisions and successfully implementing them! I always thought they had the same definition...what do you know. Okay your asking why am I posting about two words. I am learning that I have a lot to learn. I am not very smart. I'm not attacking myself, its just truth. Things I should know, I don't have a clue. Its not like I know trivia either like Mike, so therefore I could appear smart when we play games. We play trivia at college group or with friends, I don't have a damn clue. I don't watch much tv, so I have no idea about tv shows. I don't watch a lot of movies, so there. I love to read, but they don't have trivia on books. That would be boring. I am taking this managment class and I love it! It is a principals of managment which is great becuase it is showing how to be an efficient and effective manager/person in the business world. If I'm going to continue on with my goals..if you don't know my newest career goals ask me they are brand new. I am very excited about this path, of learning and growing. Okay don't judge me!

school and all

2008-10-27T22:40:00.000-07:00

I started my classes again today. BOO! I am already so busy, but I can't wait to graduate. I only have one and a half years and I will have my bachelors degree. Yippy! I am taking professional writing and a management class in session a and in session b i am taking an accounting class and another management class. I read part of chapter one and I can already tell you my professional writing class is going to be so boring. I know though it will be good for me.

suicide a selfish choice...yes its a choice

2008-10-27T08:28:00.000-07:00

I spend a lot of time praying about Don and my uncle...it seems like the more I pray the more upset I get. Something that I didn't even realize is this....I never gave my uncle up to Jesus. I thought I had given everything. But God made me realize that I was mad at him for not sending my uncle to heaven. Something though that I have to learn is that nobody deserves heaven. I just wish one day I could see him again...I know that he is having a bad time right now. I feel selfish because I know where I am going...I will be so happy when I am in heaven and I realize that..but my uncle is not there. Then there is Don. He loved jesus..that part i understand. But he is in heaven, even though he cut his life short. I don't mean that as an attack to Don. I'm not saying that he shouldn't be there either. I just don't get it. Does that make sense? Its just me trying to wrap my mind around all this...Thats all...So please dont judge me.

sadness

2008-10-23T20:31:00.001-07:00

Today was all in all a very sad day. A member of my church committed suicide. I really truly had a heart for this man, and it makes me sad. I feel for our church, because he was a great person. It burdens me because he could of been so much to our church. He already was! It burdens me because suicide is not in gods plan ever. Its sad because he will never be able to be with us ever again. One of the things that I am holding onto is he is with Jesus. I think this comes easy to me because how great would it be to be with Jesus. On the other hand, that is not the way that Jesus wants us to be with him. Its sad. Oddviosly God allowed this to happen for a reason, but it still is not in his perfect plan for him to kill himself. Which I guess brings me to the second part of this. Tomorrow will be the anniversary of my uncle killing himself. I know where he is...he is not with jesus. I guess thats why I can wrap my mind around don because at least he is in a good place. Where as my uncle killed himself the worst way possible and then will spend eternity in hell. That hurts me...I dont want that for anybody. I dont want what happend to don either. Its a selfish decision. It makes me sad, furious, and pissed off at them. I miss my uncle dearly. I miss him. I miss his laugh. I miss his smile. I miss his stupidness. I will miss don to. Its sad. But it makes me furious because they made this desicion to do this. There own will....why? I guess I just have to hold on to that Jesus will use this..And make something good out of this. Maybe this will help our connection with the some of the people in villa park. Maybe this will save some people. Maybe..this will make people realise that life is way to short and we need to be sharing jesus love...just maybe

school

2008-10-23T07:53:00.000-07:00

I just got done yesterday registering for new classes starting on Monday. I am taking an business class and a professional writing class. I am not so much looking forward to my business class but I am looking forward to the professional writing class. This class is going to teach me how to write a resume, and other business stuff. How to write a letter of resignation and stuff like that! So that will be good. But the catch is now school is back in session, its going to be very difficult for me. I already have a lot on my plate. The good news is I have 1 and a half years left with my bachelors and im done! This is good news. To finally be done! It will be amazing to finally be done. I just can't imagine how I'm going to manage school (full time), work almost full time, small group, Riley time, Mike time, family time, but I know God will never give me more then I can handle. Mike is in school part time and works a full time job and a paid on call parttime. So he will be no help either..oh well. It will be great to be done!

and i thought i had a bad day...

2008-10-21T08:12:00.001-07:00

watch this video all the way threw!

life

2008-10-20T08:38:00.000-07:00

Im learning something new everyday. I know your suppose to, but it seems like lately its been major things that I have been learning. Its little things to. For example a little thing would be don't play trivia with college group, cause it makes me look even more stupid. ha. On the bigger side really learning the love of god and learning how to lean on him! Thats exciting stuff. Everyday is a new adventure lately, and I find myself not getting very board lately, even though its been the same o same o.

On a total side note God really blessed me this weekend. I had a great family time weekend. I really missed spending time with Riley! It was great to have her the whole weekend and not have to work! What a blessing. We went to an apple picking and riley thought was so cool. Went to a pumpkin farm! Riley got to pick out her own pumpkin. She is going to be so much fun this year trick-or-treating. I have to say...even though I wish somethings could be differnt, I really do have a great husband and daughter! I am blessed!

click the photos..

2008-10-18T22:01:00.000-07:00

im learning how to put the pictures on so click on the pics and u can actually see them!

a great day..

2008-10-18T21:57:00.001-07:00

I had a great day today. We went to a pumpkin farm with some friends. What a great day! Riley was a blast...She is at the best age. I just had a bunch of moments that I wished I could freeze time! Just having fun, with no worries! We got to ride a train, hayride, pumpkins, haunted house, and just time with friends! Here is some pics!

bars

2008-10-17T11:17:00.000-07:00

Tonight I am going out with some of my friends to a bar, yea you heard me a bar! It should be interesting to go to a bar, considering I haven't been to one in ages. I like bars...but its always a weird feeling for me to be there. I feel guilty for being there for some reason. For enjoying myself. That sounds stupid. Either way im excited cause I have a sitter for Riley, and i'm going out with people I haven't seen in awhile. And going out with my hubby! Which is something I dont get to do often!

friends and mre

2008-10-16T07:36:00.000-07:00

Each week I meet with these girls now that are pretty amazing. I feel like I learn so much from them and with them. One of these girls, as we all do, needed prayer about something. I really felt like I needed to prayer for her. I love her dearly and I didn't want her to feel the way she was feeling. Anyhow, it made me think. Why do we as humans get weird about praying for each other. I get anxious when people ask to pray for me. I get all weird. Wouldn't talking to our father be the best thing? To be joined in prayer. I am learning that its great for people to pray over you. What a blessing it is actually. Its just one more thing...that i need to learn to be comfortable with!

my heart...

2008-10-14T09:05:00.000-07:00

Things never work out the way I ever plan. Maybe thats the key..its me and not God. I had all the ideas on how my life would work out and it seems that none of them are that way. I never thought that having another child would be so difficult. I never thought that money would be such an issue. I mean I grew up having nothing so maybe I should expect anything...I wish I had a house. I wish I had a understanding why school is taking forever to graduate! I wish I didn't work at BWW. I wish I didn't have to serve. I wish I could be a stay at home mom with Riley. I wish I could just have another baby! I wish I didn't get migraines. I wish my daughter had her own room back. I wish my husband liked his job. I wish he made more money. I wish insurance wasn't a pain in the butt.

With all that said...I'm not in a bad mood. I'm not saying I have a bad life. I enjoy most of my life. I just get down sometimes! I think thats okay right?

work work work

2008-10-11T18:42:00.000-07:00

I feel like all I do is go to work, school stuff, taekwondo, laundry, and be with riley. I don't mind the last one. Actually I wish I had more time with her. I really hope that mike gets this promotion at work...it would mean a lot more freedom for us! I could maybe be home more with Riley! I need a work from home job!

a day off...

2008-10-10T11:15:00.001-07:00

I really have a lot to do...or that I should be doing. Yet I do none of them..well because its my day off. And I am happy to just have a day off...IS that to much to ask?

learning

2008-10-09T09:10:00.000-07:00

I'm very excited about meeting with a few special girls! I love that we are all open to new things. God totally opened up this whole new "part" in my life. I don't feel so lonely in it anymore. I felt like I was the only one. I'm just not anymore. This is such a blessing. To not be looked at funny. Or to be looked at funny with understanding. Something that is great about it, is that God promises things and always comes threw with it. What an awesome God we serve. I'm so excited!

friends...

2008-10-07T15:59:00.001-07:00

Some of my friends have been writing about friends or therefor like of. There is this great book that i'm reading, called Wild Goose Chase. Its about getting off your butt and doing something. Anything...your passionate about. Doing it with others that love Jesus. Period. DOING IT! If you haven't read this book you need to. The book is by Mark Batterson. I am so excited....I have some wonderful friends in my church that God has put this same intentions. What a blessing! ;)

fear...and trust

2008-10-03T00:21:00.001-07:00

So I went to another prayer meeting thing at the gazebo today. It was great as always. I love praying for the nations with other believers! I love that other people from other churches show up. Its always a great thing. I love that God is stretching us. I really felt the holy spirit there today. I'm not sure if I am just very accepting of the Holy Spirit or if everybody felt it....What a great place to be when the holy spirit is within you!

Afterwords, talked about our church with a few people who said afterwords. I really started to realise that its okay for me to balance being "charismatic" and being "traditional" Its hard for me because I feel very comfortable in the "traditional" stand points of my beliefs. This whole charismatic mindset, is out of my comfort zone. BUT I love it also. I love that God speaks threw me. I love that I am understanding the holy spirit. I love that God gives me words or visions of things. This is great. But I also don't want to stand out. That's why I like my church. Even though there are a few who do like to point fingers, the majority does not! We have a huge group of people who just love Jesus. That's what it comes down to, doesn't it...loving Jesus and sharing his love. Jesus is just teaching me so many different things. I thought the last six months has been such a huge growing period, apparently god has more to show me! Which is awesome. I hope God continues to stretch me, and teach me. Thank you Jesus, for loving me, and showing me more of you!

moving and thoughts

2008-09-24T21:41:00.000-07:00

So, my daughter who hated her room, now wants her room back. You would say well Lacey give her, her room back. Not that easy...Meagan lives with us. I love Meagan and actually I have really no complaints about having her live her. She is a sweet girl. But now Riley is full of tears wanting her room back. I don't want to ask her to leave because well 1. where would she go, and 2. the money has been a big help. With Riley in school and other things, I just don't know what to do. So, I think and pray what do i do. I want to make my daughter happy. But on the other hand, i want to make Megan and my financial situation happy. I keep hoping I will hear God say one answer or another. My daughter is my world. And I want her to be happy. I really do. But, I also want to bless Meagan, and stuff. What a predicament im in.

I had sprint!

2008-09-24T09:48:00.000-07:00

How is it that a phone company can charge so much for switiching over a phone, when the phone I had was a piece of crap. This supposed switch was suppose to be free and its costing me a lot of money. I called and basically there is nothing they can do for me. I just don't understand. They used to have such great costumer service. BLAH!!!!!!

growing as always

2008-09-22T21:44:00.000-07:00

God always has a way of surprising me! A friend came to me today and asked me" What criteria does God have for choosing who goes to heaven and who goes to hell?" I dont think I have ever thought about this before. So. I thought about this and said basically let me get back to you. I called a dear friend of mine who I trust his theology. Not to say that I always agree with him, but I trust that he has researched why he believes what he believes. Anyways, another discussion came up with what I struggle with God with. Lets start with this, I understand that nobody deserves heaven. That part I understand. But then how does he decide that Joe Smoe should go to heaven and sally Smoe doesn't. I understand that Joe doesn't deserve to be in heaven but why does he get to go if Sally doesn't. Again, that doesn't mean I think everybody should be in heaven. I just struggle with this. Why is some of my family for example going to go to hell, and here I am going to heaven. It makes me so mad. My friend told me its my theology vs. my stubbornness.

I firmly believe that God is kind, and God is just. I love the song lyrics of this song.....it kind of sums up my thoughts.....and where I stand as far as this goes. Listen to this song its great! This song will change your worship!
http://www.antiochcc.net/mp3/Jesus%20Is%20The%20Lord.mp3

Here are the words:
Jesus Christ crucified

You bled and died to save our lives

Giver of boundless love

Faithful One to You we run
Chorus:

Every knee will bow, every tongue will shout

Jesus is the Lord

Jesus is the Lord

Every eye will see the coming of the King

Jesus is the Lord

2.
Jesus is the Lord Repeat chorus, then to bridge

Son of Man, Great I AM

Healing power is in Your hands

Risen One, it is done

Sin and death are overcome
(chorus)

You’re worthy of worship You’re worthy of praise

You’re worthy of honor You’re worthy of thanks
(repeat, then to chorus)

passing

2008-09-21T20:55:00.001-07:00

I so passed my yellow belt testing, I am now an orange belt! Go me! I love Taekwondo! I even got an outstanding patch! Anyways, Im so thrilled.

I had a great weekend. I love my husband and daughter. But, it was great to have a weekend with Mike and Riley gone. I had such a great time with some wonderful girlfriends of mine! Thanks girls. I can't believe we stayed up till 5am. Crazy. It was a blast though.

Things are going good right now. Been busy, as always. I still hate my job, but I wont be there forever!

testing

2008-09-16T21:03:00.000-07:00

I am testing for my orange belt this friday! Nervous of course! But I still am so in love with Taekwondo! I love it. Its an outlet for me. A huge passion and great exercise. I hope to continue with it as long as i possibility am capable of doing it...

allergy

2008-09-10T10:01:00.000-07:00

I really feel like my whole world has been turned upside down. What a nightmare. I was filling the pepper shakers at work and I ended up well in the hospital. I am very allergic to pepper apparently. The allergist said I can not eat or touch black pepper again. What a nightmare. So now I have to learn life without black pepper. I am allergic to Pseduphedrine also. So the allergist said I need to get a medical bracelet because if I was to ever have an allergy to it again a lot of ambulances will give Pseduphedrine to help with the chest tightness. Well that stuff causes me to have a seizure. So anyways....I know that my life could be a lot worse, but this just makes my life a lot harder!

tired

2008-08-19T20:47:00.000-07:00

I went to a great book discussion on the book the Shack tonight. If you have not read this book, you need to. Here is the link. http://www.theshackbook.com/ It is a great book. If you have ever wondered how the trinity works, or if you have ever gone threw something in your life and wondered why God allowed that to happen, you should read this book. Life is journey, but with God its still a journey but at least its easier. I dont often say hey, you should read this book. I think I have told everybody who talks to me regularly to read this book. SO THEREFORE READ THIS BOOK!

a tattoo

2008-08-03T22:57:00.000-07:00

I want a new tattoo. I know what i want. Dont know where to get it. Lisa and I are going to get it together, its a Japanese symbol that means family. I went today to get one with Lisa but since I can't figure out exactly where I wanted I chickened out. Lisa's friend though got a really cool tattoo. She got a cross with wings on the side with Babbo written bellow it, which means dad in Italian. Her dad died when she was young, so I thought that was great! :)

this made me laugh

2008-07-29T20:45:00.001-07:00

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=230276272270

God and worship

2008-07-28T13:18:00.001-07:00

Why some sundays when I get to church and have worship time, do I fall in love with God and can't think of anything else I would rather be doing then loving my God, and other times, I would rather be......well i would rather be doing anything but worshiping god. Now I know thats harsh, but its true. I simply hate it. I wonder why my heart longs for god at times, and at other times I seem careless of him. He should be my best friend, and my best friend I care about all the time. Or my father for that matter. I care for him all the time, shouldn't my God be that way to? Don't get me wrong I love God all the time, but it just seems at differnt "levels" at times.

yellow belt!

2008-07-25T21:34:00.001-07:00

I am now a yellow belt in TaeKwonDo! Doesn't sound like a big deal to you, but to me, very good. It was hard for me to go in front of everyone and do this! And I broke my first board! YEA! ;) Some good friends watched me and my hubby did to! Riley was there to! Its nice to have good friends! ;) Can't wait to get better!

concerts!

2008-07-25T12:23:00.000-07:00

I had a really good time at the Jars of Clay and Steven Curtis Chapman concert! I would say I enjoyed Steven so much more though. Him and his family are going through a very difficult time in their life. Losing a little girl, o man. But he is truly amazing up there. Hurting and grieving in front of 1000's of fans. He talks about it, and says basically its in God's hand. He will get to dance with his daughter again in heaven. I don't know if I was to lose Riley if I would be that faithful. He says he doesn't have it all figured out but God is in control and that his daughter was never truly his. I forget often that Riley isn't mine that she is God's. That I am only here to raise her and love her, and that God is hers! What an amazing concept! He talked about grieving in all situations and that his God grieved also. Its part of life. Amazing!

2008-07-24T21:26:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Signs You’re a Fundamentalist Christian

You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.
You feel insulted and “dehumanized” when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.
You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.
Your face turns purple when you hear of the “atrocities” attributed to Allah, but you don’t even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in “Exodus” and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in “Joshua” including women, children, and trees!
You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.
You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.
You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs — though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend eternity in an infinite Hell of suffering. And yet consider your religion the most “tolerant” and “loving.”
While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in “tongues” may be all the evidence you need to “prove” Christianity.
You define 0.01% as a “high success rate” when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.
You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.

Somebody posted this on there blog today.....It really made me think..God really is here and we need to be sharing his love with people. Unfortunately some of these things "Christians" make to be true. But really God is just in control and we have to believe! Does that make sense? This stuff makes me sad!

god talks

2008-07-23T11:08:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder why God works in some people very rapidly and in other people not so quickly. Are the people gods not working in so rapidly not listening? Are the other people God is just working in at that moment? God just has done so much in life, a lot lately, and shown me a lot of things, but was I not listening before?

I just wonder why some people have some spiritual gifts that are loud and known and God uses all the time. Then why do other people have these gifts and there not loud and not very evident. And god doesn't use them a lot...it confuses me!

hating my job

2008-07-21T22:34:00.000-07:00

I hate serving. Let me say that again! I HATE SERVING! Buffalo wild wings is fine and all, but people suck. Why shouldn't of I thought that Elmhurst would be any different. People who think they are better then you because you are serving them! boo. I can't wait to be out of serving.

what would you want God to do?

2008-07-20T16:17:00.000-07:00

At church today my pastor asked two questions What would you want God to do in our church if god has his way? and What do you fear about question number one. What would you answer? I answer this way. I want more people to know their spiritual gifts, and how to use them. We keep talking about going in the community, but if we could use the spiritual gifts god gave us how much more powerful could we be. What I fear about this is that not everyone will want to do this, and we will lose people in our church. How scary but exciting. God is for sure already working in my church. But, I am not going to limit god. What more could happen, if I didn't do that. Somebody at church today said something along the lines of we only let god out of a safe bottle when its "safe". This made me think, how often do I do this..All the time! I will more then likely be writing more about this because my thoughts aren't straight, and this probably doesn't make sense.

first post

2008-07-19T22:48:00.001-07:00

Back to bloggin....I stoped my blog before, well for a stupid reason. Some people hurt my feelings, cause they didn't like what I had to say, and I caved. It took a long time for me to set this back up, well because I wasn't confident enough to do it. After lots of time, and prayer, here I am. I am not perfect, but I can't care what other people think about my blog. I don't do this for other people i do it for me, cause I enjoy it. So, if you have a problem with my blog in the future, or something I say in my blog do one of two things.... 1. tell me about it to my face, and we will talk, no problem! 2. if you don't want to talk about to my face, well....don't read my blog. Just stop, its that simple. Its mine and if you don't like it well not my problem. ( I know im really mature, let me tell you ha)

UPDATES in my life: I joined TaeKwonDo, and thus far its amazing. I have a hard time cause there are a lot of either blackbelts or almost blackbelts, and I am the ONLY white belt. BUT NOT FOR LONG! I am testing for my next belt, wish me luck! Which then makes me the only yellow belt. (But thats besides the point) I love what it is doing for my confidence.

I don't work at chilis anymore! I finally got out of that place. I didn't think it was possible. Ha! But I did it! Life after Chilis is amazing for those of you who keep asking. I wish I didn't have to still serve, but you get the point. Another thing is I quit the nanny thing. I love my time with Riley. She is going to preschool at the end of August, so...I want to spend at much time with her! Can't believe my baby girl is going to preschool! CRAZY! But I love how happy she will be there. My little social butterfly! ( i know you wonder where she gets that from)

Missional....I have a very missional mindset at this point. Hopefully it will be permanent. You ask what do I mean by this, I mean I am here for whatever God needs me to be here for. He just wants me to be out in the community and listening. I have done a ton of healing lately within myself. I say I, what I mean is God has helped me with this process. The funny thing is I hear him then say well gee if you would of given me all your trust to begin with you wouldn't be where I was! Oh man im so nieve. I'm going threw the book of acts right now. What a great book. It helps me realise what God means to be missional. Ask me what I think about Saul/paul. I will give you a mouthful be aware. Thankfully God has given a shove of this new outlook of being missional to my husband to. (along with my church and a lot of my friends) But sometimes mike and I don't always have the same "processes" that church is going on, and this time for once we do! I love Pastor Mike and where God is using him to take his church. His family has been threw some major garbage but I love how their faith keeps on goin!

Okay I think thats enough...I'll be around...